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[Clan News Weekly]: 5/13/2018 20:03:08


[FCC] Aura Guardian 
Level 61
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Introduction

Welcome to clan news weekly, a 101% reliable news source here to deliver your weekly dose of clan news! We are 101% sure we have no bias whatsoever. Just the news, like you really wanted it.* Never mind that our public earnings report says 101% of our funds are from 101st. 101st is a great clan and we respect them too much to ever place any bias in our news in their favor. In fact, you should probably join them right now. They are a great clan. In fact this is what cowboy has to say about them:

"We are great" - Cowboy

And you can hear it from krunx too:

"We are great" - krunx

In fact, I asked every single player in 101st how they feel about their clan! They all replied exactly the same.

"We are great" - everyone in 101st.

Talk about great training! Lynx has made sure that 101st players are of top of the caliber, making each act and play exactly the same! Incredible, I must say, Incredible. But what is even more incredible is the deal we have to share with you. It took us a bit to get past the moralist protesters who were in front of Lynx HQ, but we strong-armed our way through to provide each and every one of you with the high-quality content you deserve. And we are glad to be the first ones to report it.


BREAKING: 101st/Lynx Conglomerate Signs Merger Deal with Outlaws


In a surprising twist of fate, not at all expected due to what was originally sour relations between the two groups, lynx/101st have now signed a merger deal with Outlaws. Sources say that the administrators in Outlaws are just as shocked about this revelation as we are.

According to the details of the deal, Outlaws will phase out its best players and bring them into Lynx. The rest of its players will remain in Outlaws. 101st/Lynx plans to use Outlaws for their "special" recruits they feel they can develop more quickly than those in 101st itself. 101st will still see promotions directly to Lynx when skill levels reach a high enough level, but it is expected at Outlaws will become the main feeder into Lynx, with 101st serving as a clan for "experimentation" with newer players who may "be a bit more intolerant" to the current system.

Protests re-intensified after the signing of this merger. Pro-Outlaws supporters joined in with the moralists, as well as a new swelling of players. There have been growing accusations that the CEO of lynx/101st, ZeroBlindDragon, has been corrupting and seducing players with a drug known as "GDP". The details of how this drug works is not known, it seems to have only been recently developed.

Drug experts tell us that as with any new drug, the side effects are not well known, and is likely to be put on Schedule II until more information about it is released. Preliminary reports suggest, however, that this substance belongs strictly on Schedule I.

We invited ZeroBlindDragon, TheRiverStyxie, and Platinum to discuss with us at our headquarters.

ZeroBlindDragon denies taking part of any foul play. "We train our players well. 101st is currently the best training clan on WarZone. We are glad to be pairing with Outlaws to produce a training clan that is better than the best! It will be mutually beneficial for all parties involved." The Administrative team seemed to be in full agreement. "We are great."

We also discussed Outlaws CEO, Platinum, however, whenever we inquired, we only received praise about how great 101st was. His subordinates tell us that their boss had been acting strangely since he went out on a joint business conference with New World Order, only staring blankly at the ceiling, and occasionally spurting "We are great.".

TheRiverStyxie told us that such behavior is unusual for a normally spunky, animated guy. At first it was only platinum, but administrators such as krzysztof and Kezzo started both acting unusual, spurting off the same mantra as their boss. "This entire situation makes us very uncomfortable."

Stranger yet, when ZeroBlindDragon offered her a glass of water, telling her it was "okay", she took a sip of water, and suddenly her face relaxed and went blank. She then promptly agreed by saying "we are great".

After our interviewer inquired about the behavior, he also was offered a glass, which he declined. After what sounded like forcing sounds, our interviewer has since spouted off "we are great" ever since. Luckily for us, he was recording, so we were still able to capture most of the conversation.

Sources tell us this may not be the last move. New World Order Director of Operations, Lequebicois Benoit, tells us he has been commissioned to negotiate a deal between 101st/lynx and GG. He seems to think that a merger would be successful.

"We have delivered the Subst- uhh... I mean the script of proposal to GG Headquarters. They seem compliant and willing." Benoit is known to be the representing neutral third party for any major signing done between lynx and other clans.


Mysterious Package shows up at Masters/Apprentice Headquarters


Mysterious packages have shown up on the doorstep of lynx/101st's main rival: Masters/Apprentice. Deadman, always suspicious, refused to open it after these recent events. He sent it to Drug Expert sloppyfatginger for testing. He confirmed that there was a significant concentration of GDP. However, he found interestingly enough, that there was also a significant concentration of alcohol within the liquid. Intrigued, he drank the entire contents of the liquid himself. Now he is repeatedly telling us "he wants beer." with a blank face. After deadman gave him the cheapest beer he could find, sloppyfatginger spit it out, saying "this sucks" and returned to normal shortly thereafter.

"We may have found a cure to this 'GDP trance'". Now we just have to figure out how to apply it before 101st/lynx takes over the entire Warzone community. Unfortunately, we see no easy way to make 101st/lynx suck at this point. They seem too strong and confident to think otherwise."

Masters/Apprentice continue to work diligently, wary of any future packages that may be sent to their front doorstep.

Reporting, Aura Guardian.

Edited 5/13/2018 20:40:55
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/13/2018 20:16:10


JJJ
Level 47
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WE ARE GREAT!

I am so thrilled to be working with great players such as ZBD, Mudderducker and Blowfly. Special thanks to Platinum and ZBD for being the main forces behind this deal. The fact you two are so good pals is what motivated us all to follow this strange, yet brilliant plan.
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/13/2018 20:25:46


rikolis
Level 29
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Hello guys,

I really do appreciate the goodwill of (most) of the community here. From these comments, I can come to a new understanding in my life. I was lost for many months, wandering aimlessly within my mind. But, however selfish it may seem, I really should just be trying to persue what I find enjoyable at the time, and nothing else.

That being said, it seems that I have made a few enemies, and I now hold stronger grudges. I am now more than ever, strongly against the use of alts. I feel they detract from communities and cause stronger communities to siphon off of the weak ones. In my time, I saw FCC progressively encroach on TSK members, and especially by the end of my tenure, many players were either flipping their alts/mains between clans, or just leaving TSK altogether in favor of FCC. I had have enough of it. Although I cannot say FCC effectively killed TSK, I would say it had a good part in accelerating its demise. The reason why FCC has been able to thrive so vibrantly in spite of this game in general being on the decline was because of TSK. Now they will have to find somewhere else to find their players, because TSK likely won't ever be able to provide for them again, considering that the new focus of the clan will be solely community based (and hence not attracting those interested in strategically improving), and nothing else. Indeed, TSK became exactly what I was trying to avoid: A stepping stone, a "Pre" to another clan. We basically became FCCs weeder, and that wasn't what I intended.
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/13/2018 20:30:10

Mogagazuboroso kusaremagurobaromi
Level 46
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FCC poaching players from TSK!!Strange.
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/13/2018 20:34:25


Cowboy 
Level 58
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[Clan News Weekly]: 5/13/2018 20:38:41


Electric_Kitten
Level 58
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We are great.
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/13/2018 20:51:22


krunx 
Level 62
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We are great!
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/13/2018 20:54:41


Cowboy 
Level 58
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We are gay.
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/13/2018 22:03:10


knyte 
Level 58
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Hello guys,

I really do appreciate the goodwill of (most) of the community here. From these comments, I can come to a new understanding in my life. I was lost for many months, wandering aimlessly within my mind. But, however selfish it may seem, I really should just be trying to persue what I find enjoyable at the time, and nothing else.

That being said, it seems that I have made a few enemies, and I now hold stronger grudges. I am now more than ever, strongly against the use of alts. I feel they detract from communities and cause stronger communities to siphon off of the weak ones. In my time, I saw FCC progressively encroach on TSK members, and especially by the end of my tenure, many players were either flipping their alts/mains between clans, or just leaving TSK altogether in favor of FCC. I had have enough of it. Although I cannot say FCC effectively killed TSK, I would say it had a good part in accelerating its demise. The reason why FCC has been able to thrive so vibrantly in spite of this game in general being on the decline was because of TSK. Now they will have to find somewhere else to find their players, because TSK likely won't ever be able to provide for them again, considering that the new focus of the clan will be solely community based (and hence not attracting those interested in strategically improving), and nothing else. Indeed, TSK became exactly what I was trying to avoid: A stepping stone, a "Pre" to another clan. We basically became FCCs weeder, and that wasn't what I intended.
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/14/2018 00:34:50


Cata Cauda
Level 59
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We are great.

Edit: Oh, and 101st is great too, by the way.

Edited 5/14/2018 00:35:06
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/14/2018 03:05:11


Quicksilver
Level 60
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We are great.
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/14/2018 09:22:34


Edge
Level 62
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Finally some good news, just let me make these 2 corrections.

Ofc the best Lynx players join Outlaws and not the other way around. It wouldn't make any sense otherwise.
Besides that and after taking into account the required attitudes of a player (f.ex. fairplay) we're also open for everybody and not only Lynx players to join us, since according to our philosophy we're all equally important in our clan. We don't support a two- or multi-class society.

That being said thanks for asking, we're indeed fine and looking forward to the future cooperation. :)

Edited 5/14/2018 09:23:11
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/14/2018 10:27:52


Belgian Gentleman 
Level 56
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Haha. clan fiction ! Good joke
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/14/2018 12:03:19


thelegend
Level 39
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I'm loving this... next time include more goss about more clans...
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/18/2018 03:03:19


sloppyfatginger 
Level 62
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This sucks
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/18/2018 22:43:43


Coronel Gavilan
Level 58
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So what's the difference between Master and Apprentice?
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/19/2018 00:06:38


Mista Sista (Justin)
Level 46
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There is a high concentration of Min34s in Apprentice
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/19/2018 00:27:09


MrTrolldemort
Level 55
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When is the next issue? I require more clan news from unbiased sources.
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/19/2018 01:00:49


The Endless Zero
Level 56
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Its called clan news weekly for a reason trollie.
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/19/2018 01:41:30


MrTrolldemort
Level 55
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I was talking to aura not you zero get outta here :P
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/19/2018 02:03:01


[FCC] Aura Guardian 
Level 61
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Its called clan news weekly for a reason trollie.
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/19/2018 02:12:30


thelegend
Level 39
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Sucked in, Trollie.
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/20/2018 22:35:49


[FCC] Aura Guardian 
Level 61
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[Clan News Weekly, Volume I, No. 2]


FCC, CORP, GGEC, and [HYPE] form "Anime Tiddes" Alliance.

In a jaw-dropping move for all of the wrong reasons, a unifed panel representing the clans Fifth Column Confederation, CORP, GGEC, and [HYPE] announced that that simply finding their own waifus wasn't enough for them to satisfy their innate anime desires. With FCC's Redonis [CREW] and CORP's John John Johnson leading the negotiations, an agreement between these four new clans has led to the creation of the "Anime Tiddes" Alliance in order to further their interests.

According to the official documents, the clans agreed that there "was not enough otaku culture being expressed on Warzone", nor was their voice of "anime love" reaching mainstream Warzone. To remedy this, the agreement states that they would assert thier "otakudum" upon all other clans, in attempt for them to realize, accept, and embrace "the inevitable".

Redonis spoke of words of pleasure that the agreement was a success. "Now everyone in the warzone comminuity can know and understand my love for [anime tiddies]! Aura-sempai totally acknowledged me for making this agreement become a reality." Nano-Midget could still be heard complaining in the background, muttering "k" whenever Redonis tried to reassure him.

CORP was not intially in favor of promoting the otaku culture. Dutch Desire was adamant about not joining. "CORP is a clan that includes players who follow either the art of strategy or diplomacy. There is no 'anime tiddy' dojo, nor will there ever be one. This entire thing in stupid and the every person in otaku culture should be sterilized so that it does not spread into future generations.

Fortunately for the agreement, CORP's council overruled Dutch Desire and allowed JJJ's bill to pass. Dutch Desire mentioned how this was "ridiculous" that people were still watching "cartoons" like they were "children or something".

Cata Cauda was not present at the offices when we came to interview him, so we have no comment.

JJJ on the other hand, was esastic. "Now Redonis and I can enjoy tiddies together forever <3".

Vague rumors of a "waifu" party that got a "little intense" were surfacing after the agreement occurred, with many pillows being in "rough shape" the following morning, however, Clan News Weekly has been unable to confirm these rumors.

Sloppyfatginger of Apprentice disagreed with the need for such an alliance. He told us that the entire agreement was done by a bunch of "plutty sleb holligans".

"This Sucks", he decried. "Anime Sucks. You all suck. Especially those with waifus". He proceeded to go to the bar and drink his miseries away shortly thereafter.

We are unable to gain contact with either GGEC or [HYPE] at this time.


More Skilled Player does not Understand why Clans are Giving him Less Attention than Clearly Inferior Player.

Reports came to our office early monday morning about a very skilled player getting "no attention" from clans when his pal already have five.

The player, "A", who wished to remain anonymous, was clearly frustrated when we interviewed him.

"I mean, im really good player. Im better than you are. You are in a clan. Why am I not?"

The mantra seemed to spew from his mouth like slithering snakes.

"This player, he's my friend, right? Well guess what, HE has five clans pursuing him already. Like, 101st, Apprentice, FCC, others, you know, just fawning over his potential. IM clearly the better player. Yet I got no one."

We did some research to back up his sentiment. His 85% 1v1 winrate as opposed to his friend's 45% 1v1 winrate seemed to justify why he was upset, at least in his own perspective.

"Players keep telling me. 'Winrate means nothing, Winrate means nothing. Well, guess what. BULLSHT. Im clearly one of the best players of the game. And so much better than anyone else.

Laddering stats seemed to indicate that player "A" was 1400 on 1v1 ladder and his friend 1800.

"Laddering means nothing. Its only one one template. I know he could never beat me on MY templates."

Seeing that there was no reducing his ego and arrogance, Clan News Weekly will now let readers come to their own conclusions about this player.


101st Baffled Why their event didn't Make this week's Issue

101st reportedly told us they were baffled why their major event that occurred last week didn't make it into clan news weekly.

In what appeared to be a day when players were acting more "normally", we sat down with cowboy to chat.

"I mean, look at what we did this week. We did something incredible! Why are we not getting our own article about it?"

Clan News Weekly stated that since they had been featured in last week's article, they were not deserving of receiving a feature article two weeks in a row.

"Well Im calling that now, Aura. This is Shi-." Suddenly, ZeroBlindDragon walked in with a glass of water, told him everything would be "okay" telling him to drink and calm down. Cowboy obliged, relaxed, and simply told us "We are great" for the rest of the conversation.

Reporting, Aura Guardian

Edited 5/20/2018 22:38:00
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/20/2018 22:39:34


Quicksilver
Level 60
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We are great.
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/20/2018 23:25:39


thelegend
Level 39
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Another entertaining read, Aura. You've inspired me to write something similar for my clan.
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/21/2018 00:17:26


Pyrokitty007
Level 48
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The best part of this CL by miles
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/21/2018 17:46:49

FiveStarGeneral
Level 58
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Can you move this to the clans thread?
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/22/2018 02:25:53


The Endless Zero
Level 56
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@FSG

Since this post is sarcastic, ficticious, and not reflective of the current state of warzone or clans, I made the explicit choice of placing it in off topic as to not be confused with actual clan business.
[Clan News Weekly]: 5/22/2018 04:42:42

FiveStarGeneral
Level 58
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Fake news!?! :O
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