Darth Darth Binks
Ladies, gentlemen and others,
I am proud to announce that I, Martian D. Man, am running for President of the United Nations of the World.
For too long, this world has been in shambles. The Near East is the birthplace of Civilization, but continues to hold the title of the Graveyard of Empires and Civilization, as well. The majority of Syria has moved away from civil war and radical Caliphates, celebrities are dropping dead left and right, and North Korea is continuing to be the metaphorical class dunce of the world. Russia and America have again started their proxy war bullshit, genocide is happening in Africa everyday, the UN is the most useless thing to exist since the housefly, and who is fixing this mess? Is it the USA, who has effectively, if indirectly, destroyed what little stability that was in the Middle East? Is it Russia, fueling conflict in Ukraine for a port city? Is it Turkey, being a little c*nt towards Russia because of an airspace trespassing, even if Russia did deserve it? Or is it China, that really isn't doing much of anything aside from screwing itself over with child limitations and 4% arable land? No! This world needs a leader. It needs a real leader, who will do what must be done to better our experience on Earth. That leader's name is Martian.
As president of the world I would sort out this mess. First and foremost ISIS needs to die. There are two ways this could be handled. One way is to move out all civilians from Iraq and Syria, have Russia and America bomb those countries into oblivion (we can move historical sites out of the countries, as well). With ISIS caught in the bombing, we will then, as a world, rebuild the countries from the ground up, then put the civilians back in their countries, along with their historical sites. The problem with this, is that we don't have a way to remove historical sites from being destroyed, which brings us to our second option.
Our second option is to sacrifice North Korea to the aliens. This would create a friendly relationship with the aliens, what with them thinking we praise them as gods, and they will get rid of ISIS for us, using their highly advanced technology. With the sacrifice of North Korea, we place Supreme Leader in their ranks so he can steal their technology.
We have two problems: Global Warming causing the ice caps to melt, adding more and more sea level, and genocide in Africa. We can solve both problems in one move: divert the additional water onto Africa. This way, sea level remains constant, and genocide in Africa ends forever. We can get the aliens to move the pyramids and animals species to Siberia, which will be warm by then.
For some reason, Russia wants a city connected to the ocean. It is trying to bully its big sister Ukraine to giving it their port city. So instead of Russia fighting for one port city, let's dig canals EVERYWHERE in the country, so Russia never has that problem again.
China has a population and arable land problem. There is an easy way to solve this. Kill the sick, elderly, and unemployed, and use their remains as fertilizer.
Canadians do not like the Keystone pipeline idea, for whatever reason. So let's give the USA half of Canada. That way, Canada doesn't have to worry about the pipeline, because the land will no longer be Canada's.
Mexico has continued to be God's blind spot as it pumps out drugs, crime, and nothing good. To solve this problem will be expensive, but worth it. The US will help the Mexican government in hunting down the drug lords IS WHAT I WOULD SAY if the Mexican government wasn't being run by the drug lords themselves. No, the only way to eliminate Mexico's problems is to put Mexico out of its misery. We will do this by building a Death Star out of the moon with the technology that Gen. Numbnuts was acquired, but only give it about 20% of a Death Star's power, and name it "Nation Killer." We aim it at Mexico, and do away with it, after moving civilians out of Mexico, of course. We will then give the Mexicans the Southwest of the USA, and build a wall around them. Not to protect the US, but to protect New New Mexico from the US. Removing Mexico from the map could hinder the sinking of Africa, and in that case, we will send any survivors from Africa to China as extra fertilizer.
One last problem I will address in this speech, is US foreign policy, especially in the Middle East. The US will maintain a military presence in the countries it shat on UNTIL those countries can fend for themselves. If worse comes to worse we can sacrifice Israelstine to the Aliens so they can help us again.
My vice will be Eklipse. Board of information will be Hitchslap and MGSB. Genghis comes with the title of President of the world. A Talking Fan will be in charge of hosting events throughout the world. Lolicon Love <3 will provide all with that borderline illegal goodness we all love deep down in our hearts. Kilos will be in charge of torture and interrogation. Jai will be the ambassador to the Aliens.
I hope you make the right and obvious choice and vote for Martian D. Man. Stay edgy and have a nice time.
Edited 1/19/2016 22:10:18