Country: Philippines
(Below: Flag of the Philippines)

Capital: Manila
Largest City: Quezon City
Current President: Benigno Aquino the Turd
National Currency: Igit
National Religion: Habitual Ignorance
National Hero: Manny Pacquiao, Douglas McArthur
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The Philippines (also known as the Colony of the Philippines) is a Chinese (formerly American) Colony located in Southeast Asia. It is often mistaken for a sovereign nation. The Capital, Manila, is a cockroach infested, urine drenched, and smog clouded city located in an Interdimensional Rift in Time and Space. The City often does not exist for most of the Year but usually comes out during August. The Country is ruled by the Catholic Church who smites the living **** out of anyone who opposes them. The People are brainwashed by the Church to watch Brain Rotting shows like Showtime and whatever crappy dramas they got there. Philippine Cuisine is famous for its toxicity and its ability to poison Chuck Norris which is a remarkable feat. The Country is barely held together by a clusterf*** of Interdimensional Portals that converge to form a Black Hole from which all the Trash in the Universe comes out.

Facts for visiting the Philippines:

1. You can jaywalk all you want. The Police in the Philippines are extremely apathetic and would often ignore you because they are usually drunk in San Miguel, the most toxic beverage in the World.

2. Tsismis is News there. The News in the Philippines is actually called Tsismis which spreads quicker than the Internet. Be careful though, you might become Tsismis!

3. There are more Internet Cafes in the Philippines than the Total Human Population. Internet Cafes are the fastest way to access the Internet in the Philippines. They multiply every second and are quickly growing. Scientists estimate that Internet Cafes will soon cover every square inch of the Philippines by 2050.

Edited 11/26/2015 12:43:53

Should one attempt to escape to Borneo how should one go on to do it?

sarcasm or cynism?

how does one not become a Tsismist?

I would like to visit the Philippines. I've heard that they have good hookers.
Or was that Vietnam? Or maybe Thailand?...

Anyway, you all look the same

Sincerely,
Blank

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Philippines, Part 2: The Internet Cafe

The Internet Cafe is one of the most important establishments in the Philippines. It is where Filipinos go and j*** off to whatever they're j***ing off to. They also play Dota2 and sometimes LoL there but they always lose. Most also surf Facebook and Twitter and listen to s***** filipino songs about love and whatever bulls*** they got there. There are many people who go to the Internet Cafes but here are some of them:

The Dota2 Players
These players can be found in most Internet Cafes. They are usually noisy and disturbing and tend to always lose in Dota2. They rarely win in Dota2 and if they do, they're probably cheating. They are the most annoying in the Internet Cafe.

The Social Media Addicts
They are found in almost every Internet Cafe and are sometimes noisy. They usually browse Facebook, Twitter etc and are typically Females. If you look into their screens, you will see them stalking someone or conning someone out of their Cash. If not, they're probably chatting with their slutty friends or whatever.

The 5yr olds
They are found in most Internet Cafes and are almost as noisy as the Dota Players. They usually go to a crappy website called Y8 or whatever s***** flash games they play and j*** off. They are typically harmless but can be annoying when they watch you. The best thing to do to them is to ward them off by threatening them.

The Workers
They are found in Internet Cafes and come there to Work. Most are working on MC Word, Office, or Powerpoint but some work on the Internet like Scammers. Most of them are 20-50yrs old.

There are more but try visiting an Internet Cafe in the Philippines and you will see the filthy orgy that is unfolding there.