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Broken: 9/12/2021 06:30:30


Player25253
Level 28
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"There's a void in my heart that I just can't fill ever since she left me."
"You loved her very much, didn't you?"
"Yes, I very much did. But one day, while we were fighting a war, she got shot in the head. She couldn't make it."
"I can only imagine what you felt then."
"I was right there with her when it happened. We were working together. Why did this have to happen?"
"It's fine. She will always be with you in your memories even after death. You can't move forwards in life if you spend all your time mourning about the past."
"I still miss her dearly. I will try to move on from her death. She wouldn't want me to be stuck like this if she was still alive. Thank you."
"Any time, partner! If you need emotional help, you can always talk to me."
Broken: 9/12/2021 11:33:39


Player25253
Level 28
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Comments are very much welcome, but not mandatory.
Broken: 9/12/2021 18:20:53


Loxiiv 
Level 58
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if Xeno is all you have, you have all you need
Broken: 9/12/2021 19:26:46


RainB00ts
Level 43
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"if you need emotional help, you can talk to me"

need to work on the dialogue
Broken: 9/12/2021 23:49:51


l4v.r0v 
Level 59
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This dialogue does not feel convincing or human. It seems to rush with its exposition, the death comes out of nowhere, the level of specificity is low ("out fighting a war"- which war? and why specify the war instead of a battle?), and the emotional shifts happen too abruptly.

I'd workshop it a bit to see if you can sell the emotions better.
Broken: 9/13/2021 00:07:53


Player25253
Level 28
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you know what? thank you for the advice. that was just the thought that came into my head.
Broken: 9/13/2021 03:29:16


l4v.r0v 
Level 59
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I like the matter-of-fact-ness of the character with the void in his heart, though. It adds a layer to the loss.
Broken: 9/13/2021 07:24:01


Loxiiv 
Level 58
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add random freezing for realism and to piss off the reader even more
Posts 1 - 8 of 8