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Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/16/2012 13:58:52


Anti-x Capybara
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(A photograph of me, on a visit to a small Texan town, where I am rightfully recognised as a demi-god.) Witness the puny humans who bow to the ground to merely lay a hand upon me. They shall, in the future, relate the events of that day to their offspring's offspring, who will gaze at them, wide-eyed, in disbelief and admiration.

Today I will do something similarly generous for you, human warlighters. I will answer your questions on any topic*, however my particular areas of expertise are the two great mysteries of capybara:

1. Capybaran politics.
2. Female capybaras.

*If I do not acknowledge your question, it is because I think that to do so would abase me to an insufferable degree. It is quite shameful enough that I allow you to commune with me whatsoever.
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/16/2012 14:13:31


Pink 
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there is a female capybara who doesnt stop calling me, how do i make her bug off?
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/16/2012 14:27:57


Anti-x Capybara
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Unless you are a capybara, I find that highly improbable. To use an ugly human metaphor, why would she go out for hamburger when she has prime steak at home? Furthermore, it is the male capybaras who must court the females, it is up to the females to accept or reject potential mates.

So my advice to you is to recognise a good thing when you've got it, and instigate reproduction with her. Send her a rext (this is the literal translation of a capybaran portmanteau that combines the words "reproductive" and "text"), suggesting a nearby body of water where you can copulate.

Bonne chance!
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/16/2012 14:31:29

Qi 
Level 55
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Why do you dislike X?
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/16/2012 14:33:40


[WG] Warlightvet 
Level 16
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X attracts all the female capybaras, so the anti-x capybara is jealous.
or maybe he doesn't only want 1 x but 3!
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/16/2012 14:49:25


Pink 
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anti-x capybara tried to make him a prostate massage, but x refused to
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/16/2012 15:38:51


Anti-x Capybara
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Hello, Happy Buddha, I am a very fortunate capybara to have such a notable person grace my thread.

I will respond to your question with a question: what is there to like about him? It is evident from his forum blatherings, especially in his interactions with you, that he is a deeply despicable individual, who, it was recently discovered, looks upon the brutal murder of children with uncontainable glee.

To give just a single reason that is indicative of his pathetic being, his inability to correctly format his posts, or even to preview them before posting them. A sorry character indeed.

But let's not bring this thread down! Why focus on the dregs of an inferior species when we could be discussing myself, the king of kings?
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/16/2012 15:49:39


Z-Dog 
Level 54
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Dear Anti-x Capybara

As a prank, I recently feigned being a female capybara in order to hide my true identity. Surprisingly, my disguise worked too well, and many humans/capybaras have been attempting to seduce me. Just this morning, I received an overly descriptive text message from a gentleman asking to do unspeakable things in the local river. How do escape this predicament? Would this better be addressed in myhand's thread covering women?

Regards,
Your humble canine
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/16/2012 18:27:40


Anti-x Capybara
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Firstly, mpersonating a capybara is an unforgivable crime, for which redemption is not possible. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I do not understand your story, you are being seduced by capybaras? Or other humans pretending to be capybaras? Or other humans who have a capybara fetish but are attracted to humans, not actual capybaras?

Anyway, this detail is moot. My primary advice to you, iehuehyeH, and anyone else who is being propositioned telephonically by unwanted suitors, is to not give out your phone number so freely.

I am also unable to comprehend why it bothers you so. Can you not block the person's number, or simply ignore their calls and/or rexts? They pose no threat to you.

I adduce from your inability to extricate yourselves from these situations, which could easily be done, that you subconsciously enjoy the attention and are excited by the possiblities. Why not live like the capybara and surrender to your desires?
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/16/2012 18:50:49


Min34 
Level 60
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Dear Anti-x Cabybara,

Why does your species not taste like bacon? I like bacon.

Min34
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/16/2012 19:19:48


Turing
Level 46
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Dear Anti-x Cabybara,

Since everything is better when it tastes like bacon, does the fact that capybaras do not taste like bacon make them an mperfect species?
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/16/2012 19:20:41


Pink 
Level 60
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i would answer her phonecalls if she tasted liek bacon... anyway, we might try to smoke this anti-x and see hopw he tastes
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/16/2012 19:41:51


Turing
Level 46
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I've never had smoked demi-god before....
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/17/2012 03:13:12


Anti-x Capybara
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Min24 and CEBearsfan,

If you give me contact details for this 'cabybara' I will forward your questions on to him/her/it.

However, CEBearsfan, I have a response of my own to your question: there is no such thing as a "perfect species": the concept of perfection is, alone, ill-defined, when applied to species it becomes nonsensical.

However, if you value more highly the quality of tasting like bacon than you do near-omniscience, then perhaps capybaras are not the species for you.
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/17/2012 16:40:37


ps 
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Dear Anti-X Capybara,

Is it true you can type 85 words per minute with your front teeth alone?

Regards,
ps
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/17/2012 17:07:07


Anti-x Capybara
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This is my average, yes, but my rate would be significantly greater, were it not for my sesquipedalian predilection for verbiage.

Of course, I have a specially designed keyboard, to prevent possible misclicks. Also, the complexity of the capybaran alphabet presents an impossible task for designers of keyboards, who could not possibly accommadate every character. Because of this, the capybaran presence on the internet is severely limited to those who can speak English. The main tool of communication between capybaras is the fax machine.

To avoid any possible misperceptions I shall note that for trifling affairs such as this, I dictate my missives to a secretary.
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/17/2012 18:44:52


Min34 
Level 60
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Dear Capybara,

Is your keyboard made of bacon? This would work because you type with your teeth (so you can eat whenever you want).
Also humans have never been able to make a working keyboard out of bacon, but maybe your species can?? If yes, can you send me a bacon keyboard? I would love one cause I love bacon.

Min34
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/17/2012 18:55:59


Ironheart
Level 53
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Dear Capybara,
A local capybara is trying to kill me what do i do?
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/17/2012 21:13:36


Pink 
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ironheart, there is nothign u can do.... its beyond your power
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/17/2012 22:34:00


Anti-x Capybara
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My keyboard is not made of bacon. It would not work, because if I ate my keyboard I would have nothing to type with. We could make a keyboard out of bacon but we have not, because there is no reason to.

Let it be known that I will no longer answer questions that are so inane. You humans are getting stupider and stupider by the year. It is comforting to know that the era of decadence and decay has dawned on your culture, and that brutal human dominance over the capybara will soon be at an end.


Ironheart, I believe you are mistaken for two reasons;

The possibility of a proximate capybara is approximately nil due to your location;

Murderousness is not befitting of a capybara.

Perhaps what you thought was a capybara was in fact some other animal. Death is too good for the enemies of the capybara. Such belligerence is a quality I would associate more closely with a primate, for example a bonobo, or perhaps a lesser-developed monkey such as x, who places in the lives of schoolchildren the same value he would a brazil nut, or a cactus, for instance.

Yet if a rogue capybara truly stalked the streets of suburban England, I am afraid to say that Peaceful Affairs' prognosis would be correct. I can only hope that his vengeance may be swift. Godspeed.
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/17/2012 23:17:27


Accept my Surrender
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Dear Anti-x Capybara
Last week I was with my friends at the local bar. After many drinks, I proceeded to fall on the ground unconscious. When I awoke I was next to a tired yet happy female Capybara. After realising I was naked it dawned on me what had happened. Though I have tried to ignore her, this capybara continues to call me and tell me she is pregnant. She demands I either marry her or pay a ridiculously high amount of child support. What should I do? Should I marry her, or get a member of the capybara mafia to take her out?
Sincerlly,
A man in need of an answer.
P.S. Her name was Peggy, do you know her?
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/18/2012 14:00:33


Anti-x Capybara
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I shall begin by congratulating you on your successful procreation. With little to no effort on your behalf you have achieved what some people fail to do, despite spending their entire lives in its pursuit.

Now, if your recollections are bonafide, you were not conscious during the purported intercourse. This means that it may not have occured, and if it did, you were raped by this capybara. Hence the advice I will impart is firstly to confirm that the litter is yours, and if it is so, threaten legal proceedings against this capybara.

Nevertheless, I feel that, howsoever their genesis was effected, you should want the best for your progeny. We capybaras are not so careless with our young, as evidenced by the hit reality show Teen Capybara Mom, wherein conscientious teenaged capybaras successfully raise their litter to become functional members of capybaran society, with the boundless assistance of their doting mating partners.

I know no capybara by this name.
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/18/2012 14:31:33

Qi 
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Dear Capybara,

1 Why did myhand ask us to ask myhand but he hasn't bothered to answer our questions?

2 Why does Trollusa despise X?

3 What are the most charming qualities of these people: J Russ, Dick Sharpe, Sze, Lolowut.

Your biggest fan.
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/18/2012 15:29:32


Anti-x Capybara
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An addendum to my previous post: I assume that the correspondent is a capybara, since a female capybara mated with him, and because it is intimated that this coupling produced viable offspring. If this is the case the two parents must be of the same species.

Sir, if you are not a capybara, the tribulations this fraudulent hussy presents you with are phantasmagorical.


My friend Gui, I echo your closing sentiment.

1. I can only imagine that our esteemed lothario has spent the 2 1/2 days since his last post procreating tantrically. Let us pray that his concubine has permitted him regular breaks, lest he do permanent damage to his magnificent organs.

I also have heard talk that he is suffering a 'fever of the yellow'. I am not familiar with this part of the human anatomy. For the sake of his current mate, I hope this affliction to his yellow does not affect his performance.

2. Trollussa has suffered various indignities, at the hand of the one whose name I cannot bear to utter at this moment. As do we all, by his mere presence on this Earth and on this forum. Yet I do not think that he despises him. Trolussa recognises that this person is a mere child, and understands that he was also immature when he was so young. But now that he is 19 instead of 18, Trollussa has far more experience with the world, and he hopes that the inhuman one could make similar progress.

I entertain no such illusion.

3a. His movie star good looks, and his lack of anonymity.
3b. His willingness to post, thereby giving you material for more genius posts.
3c. His sexy weatherman voice. The forecast for your human panties: damp and humid.
3d. His desire to educate his fellow runts, climbing over one another, with great effort, to escape the pit of their own inferiority. It is heartwarming, tragic, and hilarious to witness.
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/18/2012 16:43:51


Ironheart
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Capybara that rogue has been tranquilised and sent back to it's climate and i feel safe again so i ask another question.Why are you carry monkeys in your pic ? and who are they ?
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/18/2012 16:49:10


Ironheart
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Also what is my best quality Capybara,
Your 2nd biggest fan(after Gui ofc)
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/18/2012 17:25:12


Anti-x Capybara
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The capybara in my photograph is not I but another. The reason I chose it is to provide a pictorial representation of the struggle between capybara and monkey. This is also the same explanation for my player-supplied link.

I am your best quality capybara.
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/18/2012 18:35:11


Accept my Surrender
Level 10
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Dear Capybara,
It has just dawned on me that I am a capybara, what are some basic tips and tricks for a successful capybara life? Also before Peggy was accidently stabbed 50 times, she said she knew you and had even had mated with you. If so, what are your children's names?
thankingly,
A man in need of answers
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/18/2012 19:43:56


À la recherche du temps perdu 
Level 35
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Dear Capybara,
Being a Capybara myself I have an annoying problem with my mustache.
Since it is growing too much, some of its hairs tickle my nose.
I can't cut the mustache though, infact my female capybara pretends it and even if I comb it frequently, those evil hairs still annoy me.
My marvelous and perfectly round black nose is suffering a lot!
Anyway I terribly despise x because he is not a capybara, and capybaras are racists animals.
Trollussa, the capybara.
Ask Anti-x Capybara: 12/19/2012 00:07:29


Anti-x Capybara
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A capybara is born, not made.

It is not so, but nevertheless I can answer your question: they are referred to as a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, y and z, from eldest to youngest.

Trollussa,

It is patent that you are not a capybara for the following reasons: poor grooming skills; having a moustache; being monogamous; being speciesist; your poor grasp of the English language (which, to the language of the capybara, is like "Twinkle twinkle little star" to Joe's Garage, Frank Zappa's seminal concept album).

I would also refer you to the title of the thread, Ask Anti-x Capybara [Questions]. Please note that the title is not Moan About Facial Hair To Anti-x Capybara.
Posts 1 - 30 of 55   1  2  Next >>