(A photograph of me, on a visit to a small Texan town, where I am rightfully recognised as a demi-god.) Witness the puny humans who bow to the ground to merely lay a hand upon me. They shall, in the future, relate the events of that day to their offspring's offspring, who will gaze at them, wide-eyed, in disbelief and admiration.

Today I will do something similarly generous for you, human warlighters. I will answer your questions on any topic*, however my particular areas of expertise are the two great mysteries of capybara:

1. Capybaran politics.
2. Female capybaras.

*If I do not acknowledge your question, it is because I think that to do so would abase me to an insufferable degree. It is quite shameful enough that I allow you to commune with me whatsoever.

there is a female capybara who doesnt stop calling me, how do i make her bug off?

Unless you are a capybara, I find that highly improbable. To use an ugly human metaphor, why would she go out for hamburger when she has prime steak at home? Furthermore, it is the male capybaras who must court the females, it is up to the females to accept or reject potential mates.

So my advice to you is to recognise a good thing when you've got it, and instigate reproduction with her. Send her a rext (this is the literal translation of a capybaran portmanteau that combines the words "reproductive" and "text"), suggesting a nearby body of water where you can copulate.

Bonne chance!

Why do you dislike X?

X attracts all the female capybaras, so the anti-x capybara is jealous.
or maybe he doesn't only want 1 x but 3!

anti-x capybara tried to make him a prostate massage, but x refused to

Hello, Happy Buddha, I am a very fortunate capybara to have such a notable person grace my thread.

I will respond to your question with a question: what is there to like about him? It is evident from his forum blatherings, especially in his interactions with you, that he is a deeply despicable individual, who, it was recently discovered, looks upon the brutal murder of children with uncontainable glee.

To give just a single reason that is indicative of his pathetic being, his inability to correctly format his posts, or even to preview them before posting them. A sorry character indeed.

But let's not bring this thread down! Why focus on the dregs of an inferior species when we could be discussing myself, the king of kings?

Dear Anti-x Capybara

As a prank, I recently feigned being a female capybara in order to hide my true identity. Surprisingly, my disguise worked too well, and many humans/capybaras have been attempting to seduce me. Just this morning, I received an overly descriptive text message from a gentleman asking to do unspeakable things in the local river. How do escape this predicament? Would this better be addressed in myhand's thread covering women?

Regards,
Your humble canine

Firstly, mpersonating a capybara is an unforgivable crime, for which redemption is not possible. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I do not understand your story, you are being seduced by capybaras? Or other humans pretending to be capybaras? Or other humans who have a capybara fetish but are attracted to humans, not actual capybaras?

Anyway, this detail is moot. My primary advice to you, iehuehyeH, and anyone else who is being propositioned telephonically by unwanted suitors, is to not give out your phone number so freely.

I am also unable to comprehend why it bothers you so. Can you not block the person's number, or simply ignore their calls and/or rexts? They pose no threat to you.

I adduce from your inability to extricate yourselves from these situations, which could easily be done, that you subconsciously enjoy the attention and are excited by the possiblities. Why not live like the capybara and surrender to your desires?

Dear Anti-x Cabybara,

Why does your species not taste like bacon? I like bacon.

Min34

Dear Anti-x Cabybara,

Since everything is better when it tastes like bacon, does the fact that capybaras do not taste like bacon make them an mperfect species?

i would answer her phonecalls if she tasted liek bacon... anyway, we might try to smoke this anti-x and see hopw he tastes

I've never had smoked demi-god before....

Min24 and CEBearsfan,

If you give me contact details for this 'cabybara' I will forward your questions on to him/her/it.

However, CEBearsfan, I have a response of my own to your question: there is no such thing as a "perfect species": the concept of perfection is, alone, ill-defined, when applied to species it becomes nonsensical.

However, if you value more highly the quality of tasting like bacon than you do near-omniscience, then perhaps capybaras are not the species for you.

Dear Anti-X Capybara,

Is it true you can type 85 words per minute with your front teeth alone?

Regards,
ps

This is my average, yes, but my rate would be significantly greater, were it not for my sesquipedalian predilection for verbiage.

Of course, I have a specially designed keyboard, to prevent possible misclicks. Also, the complexity of the capybaran alphabet presents an impossible task for designers of keyboards, who could not possibly accommadate every character. Because of this, the capybaran presence on the internet is severely limited to those who can speak English. The main tool of communication between capybaras is the fax machine.

To avoid any possible misperceptions I shall note that for trifling affairs such as this, I dictate my missives to a secretary.

Dear Capybara,

Is your keyboard made of bacon? This would work because you type with your teeth (so you can eat whenever you want).
Also humans have never been able to make a working keyboard out of bacon, but maybe your species can?? If yes, can you send me a bacon keyboard? I would love one cause I love bacon.

Min34

Dear Capybara,
A local capybara is trying to kill me what do i do?

ironheart, there is nothign u can do.... its beyond your power

My keyboard is not made of bacon. It would not work, because if I ate my keyboard I would have nothing to type with. We could make a keyboard out of bacon but we have not, because there is no reason to.

Let it be known that I will no longer answer questions that are so inane. You humans are getting stupider and stupider by the year. It is comforting to know that the era of decadence and decay has dawned on your culture, and that brutal human dominance over the capybara will soon be at an end.


Ironheart, I believe you are mistaken for two reasons;

The possibility of a proximate capybara is approximately nil due to your location;

Murderousness is not befitting of a capybara.

Perhaps what you thought was a capybara was in fact some other animal. Death is too good for the enemies of the capybara. Such belligerence is a quality I would associate more closely with a primate, for example a bonobo, or perhaps a lesser-developed monkey such as x, who places in the lives of schoolchildren the same value he would a brazil nut, or a cactus, for instance.

Yet if a rogue capybara truly stalked the streets of suburban England, I am afraid to say that Peaceful Affairs' prognosis would be correct. I can only hope that his vengeance may be swift. Godspeed.