Dear Anti-x Capybara
Last week I was with my friends at the local bar. After many drinks, I proceeded to fall on the ground unconscious. When I awoke I was next to a tired yet happy female Capybara. After realising I was naked it dawned on me what had happened. Though I have tried to ignore her, this capybara continues to call me and tell me she is pregnant. She demands I either marry her or pay a ridiculously high amount of child support. What should I do? Should I marry her, or get a member of the capybara mafia to take her out?
Sincerlly,
A man in need of an answer.
P.S. Her name was Peggy, do you know her?

I shall begin by congratulating you on your successful procreation. With little to no effort on your behalf you have achieved what some people fail to do, despite spending their entire lives in its pursuit.

Now, if your recollections are bonafide, you were not conscious during the purported intercourse. This means that it may not have occured, and if it did, you were raped by this capybara. Hence the advice I will impart is firstly to confirm that the litter is yours, and if it is so, threaten legal proceedings against this capybara.

Nevertheless, I feel that, howsoever their genesis was effected, you should want the best for your progeny. We capybaras are not so careless with our young, as evidenced by the hit reality show Teen Capybara Mom, wherein conscientious teenaged capybaras successfully raise their litter to become functional members of capybaran society, with the boundless assistance of their doting mating partners.

I know no capybara by this name.

Dear Capybara,

1 Why did myhand ask us to ask myhand but he hasn't bothered to answer our questions?

2 Why does Trollusa despise X?

3 What are the most charming qualities of these people: J Russ, Dick Sharpe, Sze, Lolowut.

Your biggest fan.

An addendum to my previous post: I assume that the correspondent is a capybara, since a female capybara mated with him, and because it is intimated that this coupling produced viable offspring. If this is the case the two parents must be of the same species.

Sir, if you are not a capybara, the tribulations this fraudulent hussy presents you with are phantasmagorical.


My friend Gui, I echo your closing sentiment.

1. I can only imagine that our esteemed lothario has spent the 2 1/2 days since his last post procreating tantrically. Let us pray that his concubine has permitted him regular breaks, lest he do permanent damage to his magnificent organs.

I also have heard talk that he is suffering a 'fever of the yellow'. I am not familiar with this part of the human anatomy. For the sake of his current mate, I hope this affliction to his yellow does not affect his performance.

2. Trollussa has suffered various indignities, at the hand of the one whose name I cannot bear to utter at this moment. As do we all, by his mere presence on this Earth and on this forum. Yet I do not think that he despises him. Trolussa recognises that this person is a mere child, and understands that he was also immature when he was so young. But now that he is 19 instead of 18, Trollussa has far more experience with the world, and he hopes that the inhuman one could make similar progress.

I entertain no such illusion.

3a. His movie star good looks, and his lack of anonymity.
3b. His willingness to post, thereby giving you material for more genius posts.
3c. His sexy weatherman voice. The forecast for your human panties: damp and humid.
3d. His desire to educate his fellow runts, climbing over one another, with great effort, to escape the pit of their own inferiority. It is heartwarming, tragic, and hilarious to witness.

Capybara that rogue has been tranquilised and sent back to it's climate and i feel safe again so i ask another question.Why are you carry monkeys in your pic ? and who are they ?

Also what is my best quality Capybara,
Your 2nd biggest fan(after Gui ofc)

The capybara in my photograph is not I but another. The reason I chose it is to provide a pictorial representation of the struggle between capybara and monkey. This is also the same explanation for my player-supplied link.

I am your best quality capybara.

Dear Capybara,
It has just dawned on me that I am a capybara, what are some basic tips and tricks for a successful capybara life? Also before Peggy was accidently stabbed 50 times, she said she knew you and had even had mated with you. If so, what are your children's names?
thankingly,
A man in need of answers

Dear Capybara,
Being a Capybara myself I have an annoying problem with my mustache.
Since it is growing too much, some of its hairs tickle my nose.
I can't cut the mustache though, infact my female capybara pretends it and even if I comb it frequently, those evil hairs still annoy me.
My marvelous and perfectly round black nose is suffering a lot!
Anyway I terribly despise x because he is not a capybara, and capybaras are racists animals.
Trollussa, the capybara.

A capybara is born, not made.

It is not so, but nevertheless I can answer your question: they are referred to as a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, y and z, from eldest to youngest.

Trollussa,

It is patent that you are not a capybara for the following reasons: poor grooming skills; having a moustache; being monogamous; being speciesist; your poor grasp of the English language (which, to the language of the capybara, is like "Twinkle twinkle little star" to Joe's Garage, Frank Zappa's seminal concept album).

I would also refer you to the title of the thread, Ask Anti-x Capybara [Questions]. Please note that the title is not Moan About Facial Hair To Anti-x Capybara.

Dear Anti-X Capybara

I was playing basketball with a couple of my friends along with a male capybara, who unknown by me, was gay. After we played a couple rounds of basketball the capybara asked me out to lunch, his treat. My friends and I play the court quite a bit, and this was not the first time I had played with this particular capybara, so I obliged because, well hey, free food!
Unknown to me was the fact that he thought it was a date. Anyways, he took me to a classic Italian restaurant(which I thought was odd because it isn't the type of place guys go out to eat together, but I thought hey, it doesn't matter cause he's paying!) which he obviously frequents quite a bit, as all the of the staff knew who he was as well as the fact that he ordered off the menu. I enjoyed the food and our conversation a lot, but no where near enough to turn gay for.
Anyways, one of the waitresses was a girl I talked to from high school and we went to talking and I got her number, the capybara got ticked off and spilled his eggplant parm all over me and called me a jerk for trying to pick up girls while on a date with him, then told me he had strong feelings for me since the first day he met me, then said all men are jerks and stormed off.

I really never want to see this capybara ever again, what should I do? Should I still play basketball at that particular court? Its 12 minutes away from my house, and the next nearest one is 16 minutes away, is it really worth the extra 4 minute drive? Or will the capybara naturally just try to avoid me now that his heart is broken?

Should I continue my pursuit of the girl? If I do I might run into the capybara because I would spend more time at the Italian Restaurant and naturally increase my chances of running into the gay capybara, who is a regular.

Also, what made him think I was gay?

I can answer that last part, the fact that you like to play a sport with lots of man on man contact, i thought you were gay until this post

Dear Capybara,
I am sorry to inform you that male capybaras have mustache (being already viril for their mustache male capybaras don't need to learn an effeminate language as english properly), and since as far as I know trans genders capybaras don't exist, the fact that you don't have mustache prooves that you are a female capybara.
At least I have understood why your histeric and senseless comments occur every month with such a regularity!!!

P.S.
Thank you for having explained what Joe's Garage is, but I still have difficulties in understanding what a Frank Zappa is:(

I enjoyed the food [...] a lot, but no where near enough to turn gay for.

"This food is so great, I think I might be gay now."

There is no evidence of capybaras engaging in homosexual behaviour, or of playing basketball (please excuse this redundancy). So I will answer this question as a hypothetical, even though I have no particular expertise in this gender or species.

This 'capybara' has reacted in a typically boorish human way to this disappointment. Instead of a logical, intelligent response, he has thrown his eggplant parmesan out of the pram, like a badly-behaved juvenile capybara. With his skewed perception of reality, who can tell how he will act in the future? Nonetheless, you should pursue sexual relations with this waitress at all costs. I understand that you humans mate on land rather than water, so maybe you should start thinking about a suitable park or public building. It goes without saying that you should not attempt to mount her at her workplace, as this 'capybara' may try to interrupt you.

Regarding your dilemma with the 4 minute drive, remember that you would have to explain to your friends that you went on a date with a gay man, I mean capybara, which could lead to you being stoned to death, depending on where you live.

I cannot say for sure, but he probably thought you were gay because you agreed to go on a date with him.

Trollussa,

Your ignorance of Zappa further exposes your true species (human-Italian). I cannot comprehend the rest of your post (aside from the sexist remark in parentheses), but the absence of question marks suggest my time is being further wasted.

3 proofs of your being a female capybara:
Don't understand sarcasm (even if I hope your comment about Zappa was counter sarcastic).
Find any statement upon women's life sexist.
Ignore things you prefer not to read.

But lady capybara you have to accept your nature!
And my second post had no question marks because I wrote it in order to let you understand better the first post's question:O

?

There have been no questions in any of your tiresome posts.

I suppose my gender is irrelevent. But in previous posts I have mentioned being a male, and I am not a liar.

I will no longer acknowledge any of Trollussa's posts of this standard, so if I do not deny any further outrageous statements, that does not imply veracity.

Dear Capybara,
I am currently hiding in New York City from the Capybara mafia. It appears I greatly offended them by mating with the leaders wife. What should I do?
P.S. Please answer quickly, I think they are at my door!

Dear capybara,
Is there a age old feud between red pandas and capybars because there is a red panda on the forum that seems to despise you and your whole race.
Sincerely CPU Ryan

I have never even heard of this kind of panda.