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Its time to smile.: 2/17/2012 18:41:09

moderator [solving problems is my duty]
Level 2
A guy dials his home phone number from work

A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answers the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.

"Uh... is this 555-4821?"
Its time to smile.: 2/17/2012 20:58:17

Level 53
this made me frown you so failed to make me laugh
Its time to smile.: 2/17/2012 20:58:28

Level 53
or smile
Its time to smile.: 2/17/2012 21:32:10

Level 50
I laughed :)

Here's an other joke:

A fox, a rabbit and a bear need to go to the military. The animals were frightened to go in service and decided that would do anything to not have to go in the army. The three of them were thinking about what they could do to be rejected. The rabbit was first and they decided the following:

Rabbit: What could we do to me so I don't have to go to the army?
The fox replies: We could take your ears off, then they will absolutely reject you, because nobody wants a rabbit without ears.
And they did it, the rabbit went inside to be tested, and after a while he returned with a big smile on his face.
Rabbit: Yay! Luckily I was rejected, they really didn't like a rabbit with no ears!

After the rabbit it was the fox's turn: he was a bit nervous because he didn't really want to lose any body parts, but he hated going into the army even more.
The bear had a solution: You could take your tail off, because what's a fox without a tail?

The fox replies: Well, I don't like the sound of that, but I guess I don't have any choice...
After the tail was taken off he went inside. A few minutes later he came out again and shouted proudly: I was rejected! I was rejected!

At last it was the bear's turn. It was a difficult choice, but the rabbit knew a solution: we can punch your teeth out, a bear without teeth haha I've never seen that before! You'll surely be rejected!

So the fox brought a steel beam and hit the bear with it in his mouth. The bear yelled and cried and all of his teeth flew out. Stumbling he went inside.

After a while the bear came out and the rabbit and the fox watched proudly to each other. The rabbit shouted to the bear: Great job, you were rejected! Didn't they want you without teeth?

The bear answered with his mouth full of blood and splinters:
No, I was too fat.
Its time to smile.: 2/17/2012 21:39:29

Level 53
another saddening joke
Its time to smile.: 2/17/2012 21:50:31

Level 53
u can't even call them jokes but if insit i shall say two which not be funny if u are not familiar with wat i use.

where do pirates shop

argggggggos (argos is shop chain in britain)

where is the only place where they don't throw their yokes away

yokeshire( york shire is an English town)
Its time to smile.: 2/18/2012 00:44:55

[WM] Dazed & Insane 
Level 50
Lol to the first, eh to the second.
Its time to smile.: 2/18/2012 01:11:16

Level 10
So, a baby seal walks into a club...
Its time to smile.: 2/18/2012 01:16:13

Level 60
Mom sends a small boy to do grocery shopping. She gives him 10$ and tells him:
"John, buy a loaf of bread, some milk and butter".
On the way to the grocery shop he was passing a toy store where he saw a big teddy bear for 10$. He was hesitant, because he knew he'd be punished for spending his family's only money, but he bought it anyway. When he came home his mother yelled at him:
"How could you do this to us? That was all our money for the week! Return that thing at once!"
So he went to the store...
Unfortunately they had a no refund policy, so he thought, he could sell it to their neighbours mr. and mrs. Doe. He went there and knocked on the door, but there was no answer. He entered and heard a loud noise upstairs. When he went to the bedroom he saw mrs. Doe having sex with some stranger. they were so occupied they did not even notice him, so he stood and watched for a while. A few moments later they all heard a voice from downstairs "Honey, I'm home". Mrs. Doe jumped off the bed and seeing little John she pushed him and her lover into the closet while she greeted her husband. In the closet:
- "Do you want to buy a teddy bear for 10$?"
- "No kid, shut up"
- "Buy or I'll scream!"
- "Ok, ok, here you go, take the 10$ and shut up."
After a few more minutes:
- "Give me back my teddy bear!"
- "No I won't"
- "Give it back or I'll scream!"
- "Ok, ok"
Another few minutes have passed:
- "Do you want to buy a teddy bear for 10$?"
The situation repeats until John has 200$ and after an hour mrs. Doe releases them from the closet. John goes to the shop, and he buys kavior, shrimps, truffles etc. He comes back home, gives the groceries to his mother and an additional 100$. Mother was scared and said:
"Good Lord John, you must have robbed a bank, go to the church and confess your sins!"
So he did as he was told to, he went to the church, approached the confessional and said:
"I'm here about the teddy bear father", and the priest replied
"F*** off you greedy bastard, I have no money left!"

Its time to smile.: 2/18/2012 01:35:35

Level 37
szeweningen, that was a horrible joke, priests wouldn't swear like that...
Its time to smile.: 2/18/2012 02:07:42

[WM] Dazed & Insane 
Level 50
So? It's a joke. Good one Sze
Its time to smile.: 2/18/2012 06:20:02

Level 55
SZE, that was so funny! :P

I got one too

One day, Dad bought a robotic lying detector which slaps whoever that lies.
Son comes home, Dad asks, "son, where were you today".
Son replies, "school dad."
The robot goes to the lad and slaps him silly.
The sons cries, "alright alright, I was at a mate's house, watching Toy Storie 2".
The robot again slaps the boy.
"IT WAS PORN" shouted the lad.
"What!!" exclaims dad, "when I was your age, i didn't even know what porn is."
This time, the robot goes up to the dad and slaps the s*** out of him.
Mom beside laughts, "like father, like son, he's definitely YOUR son."
The robot slaps the mom..
Its time to smile.: 2/18/2012 06:47:10

Level 54
aqua this joke idea is best used in a brilliant advertisment of an internet bloq dedicated itself to the uncovering of lies published by the biggest german boulevard magazine.


sadly you have to understand german for this
Its time to smile.: 2/18/2012 07:18:48

Level 46
|> So, a baby seal walks into a club...

Were you referring to this [classic](http://www.inquisitr.com/191902/clubbing-baby-seals/)?


I think you should change the last line to just "like father, like son"; this way it's far too obvious.
Its time to smile.: 2/18/2012 11:50:22

Level 60
What is the policy on racist jokes and dark humour? I know a lot of them, but since it's a multicultural community here Fizzer might be against it...
In the meantime a link to a short clip:

Its time to smile.: 2/18/2012 12:25:44

Level 53
finally good jokes i loved urs aqua and szerweningen i loved the end to ur joke.
I don't think racist joke's should be said anyway.
Its time to smile.: 2/18/2012 13:51:43

Level 58
i hate to think where the priest was keeping his money, szew.
Its time to smile.: 2/18/2012 17:05:32

Level 35
What's the difference between a dead baby and a burrito? A burrito is much messier!

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline? When you jump on a trampoline, you take your shoes off!
Its time to smile.: 2/18/2012 18:07:00

Level 53
strange jokes Texas didn't get it or laughed
Its time to smile.: 2/18/2012 18:29:33

Level 2
I think you got it wrong, Texas John, it goes like this: "What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a trampoline? You can't jump on a trampoline with a pair of ice skates on."
Horrible joke, but sadly funny...
Its time to smile.: 2/18/2012 18:52:58

Level 56
Knock, Knock.

Who's there?


Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
Its time to smile.: 2/18/2012 19:10:49

Ace Windu 
Level 56
:D good one

Poor Dave though :(
Its time to smile.: 2/18/2012 19:26:14

Level 59
A duck walks into a bar, climbs onto a bar stool, and says to the bartender:

"Got any duck food?"

The bartender says, "no."

The duck waddles out, comes back the next day, and says "Got any duck food?" The bartender says, "no, it's a bar. Why would I have duck food?"

The duck leaves, returns the following day, and says "Got any duck food?" The bartender leans over the bar and says, "listen, you feathered freak. I didn't have duck food yesterday, I don't have it today, and I won't have it tomorrow. If you ask me for duck food one more time, I'm going to nail your bill to the bar. Now get the f*** out!"

The duck exits.

The next day, he enters the bar and says, "Got any nails?"

The bartender says, "no."

"Good," says the duck. "Got any duck food?"
Its time to smile.: 2/18/2012 19:51:40

Level 50
Smart duck...
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