It's not awful, but there is definitely a hell of a lot of room for improvement. For example, you went from "Once upon a time in a nuclear wasteland in the American West, there was a girl known for wearing all red from head to toe." Clearly, you're speaking about your main protagonist in third person. However, just a few lines lower, with absolutely no transition, comes this line: "I was screaming at the top of my lungs....." You need to choose past tense or present tense, first person or third person, and when you do, you need to stick with it. Your punctuation could definitely use work as well. And, no offense, I'm just stating this from a factual point of view, the story is pretty cliche. You could use some work on that as well. And your transition; you go from telling a chilling story of a mysterious girl clothed in red to a crying, emotional mess of a girl in just a few lines. Far too fast of a transition. One last tip: never, ever, begin a story with "Once upon a time," unless your target audience is a group of 7 year old girls. Source: I'm a published author. I can give you a sample if you'd like, to see how I write.
Edited 1/15/2017 22:10:12
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