I wrote this story in my Writing class. Decided to share with you peeps.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/16XU7bXajx0EAQshD0b0DA7BG0Bj_rdpL7H0Pwba1pRA/pub

very nice story ^_^

upvoted for creativity.

Edited 10/15/2016 05:49:05

For upvote record. Story is stronk

Thank You everyone! Now I hope my teacher thinks the story is stronk

Edited 10/15/2016 16:14:02

It's a little dark (borderline edgy) but ignoring that enjoyable one shot story. How long have you been creative writing for?

"A flood of memories broke the seawall that protected my mind"
This was sharp imagery and impressive if not inspired by another book.

Regarding the storyline , it is always going to lack some depth if it is a short story so it must try to be emotionally engaging. I think it struggled with that but it also connected in a small way at parts.

Few things that confused me , Ferris wheel was half an hour in to park at first thought it was just a small country style fair but based on that must be proper amusement park such as six flags I guess. Trixie's age was never explained I would assume that it is 5-9 range based on 'Ma' at the start , but then mom is resentful that she didn't help her kick the habbit? Sometimes ambiguity is good for a story but some thing such as cryflashbacks may of benefitted from more expliantion.

Minor critism asside , not a bad little piece especially if written in time constraint of a writing class.

I will admit it was a bit of a dark piece, but I was going for a psychological horror. Not sure if I achieved that. I've only been in creative writing for about a month now.

A flood of memories broke the seawall that protected my mind

That quote was just my own writing without any inspiration from any book.

I was leaning more towards a larger park,but I'm positive the real Gulliver's Kingdom in Japan is not a massive park. Your assumption of Trixie's age is nearly there, she's more towards the age of 10. The resentful part I will admit was a bit of a foggy section, I wanted to show that the mother was spiraling towards insanity.

Criticism always welcomed, it does make me better in what I do. I wrote the story practically in four hours.

It is quite good.Some better punctuation wouldn't hurt.It gets a bit overwhelming at times

I'll try to improve on the punctuation when I write again.

Good writing, but the story is wayyyyyyyyy toooooo edgy.

6-7/10

I won't really change the edginess in my writing. Especially in one that's supposed be scary.

Not really scary, but somewhat entertaining. I rate 7/10.

It's not scary though, because supernatural demons getting people to kill their children and commit suicide is cliche.

Besides, the way its written it comes off trying to be edgy, not scary...

Edited 10/16/2016 23:15:49

Ah well I guess I failed on the scary part then.

Well, horrors are almost always cliche today. I mean, think about how many horror movies there are... Its hard to scare people who aren't naturally scared of a certain thing, because the standards are higher today because of how early we get desensitized to violence.

I guess so

Tbh I rarely watch scary stories for the scare factor but more as a form of entertainment. Also if you are into psycho horror i suggest you watch Babadook and Pet semetary.

I'll check them out