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The Martian Ranta: Skyrim.: 2/17/2016 16:12:01

Darth Darth Binks
Level 56

Skyrim is the latest installment of Bethesda's "Elder Scrolls" game saga. It has taken days away from players because it is so good. And while I am one of those poor sods who has become obsessed with the game once, that doesn't mean the game is safe from my verbal abuse. On the contrary, I've much to say. (Mods are not taken into consideration in this thread)

First, let me start off with the start of the game. Holy shit it gets old. It's sooo slooow. It kept me from starting new games sometimes, because I didn't want to sit through such a monotonous intro. Even after Helgen, I still find myself having to go to the same stupid town. I killed them all, once.

My second gripe is with the Dragonborn DLC. You would think that when the cultists first target you, that you would be ready for the DLC mission. This is not the case! If you go to Solstheim immediately after you first kill the cultists, you get RAPED! You get raped by the weakest creatures on the island. Now why the f*ck would you have me start a mission I literally cannot accomplish at my current level, Skyrim? Now I have an unfinished quest taking up space in my quest menu. Thank you very much, ya bastards.

My third gripe is something that happened only to me. Everyone has had thugs sent after them, right? Right. I had thugs sent after me. Do you know who sent them? Lars Battle-Born. LARS. BATTLE-BORN. THE CHILD. The pussy of a kid who made me tell the one brat to stop picking on him sent a group of f*cking thugs to kill me. Come on, now.

My fourth gripe is that I can't fight in water. I can slay dragons and eat their souls but I can't swing a dagger or use magic in a f*cking pond.

My fifth gripe is that you can't kill the commanders at hidden Imperial and Stormcloak camps. Why the f*ck can't I kill the commanders at Imperial and Stormcloak camps!? What purpose do they serve? What makes them so important that I can't kill them even after I end the war?


My seventh gripe is when you go to kill someone but a guard, or a villager, or a chicken, gets in your way just as you go to land the attack, and it's your fault that the AIs are fuckin' retards.

How the hell do guards know which items are stolen? How do shopkeepers know which items are stolen? Does the dragonborn put sticky notes on his items and label them "stolen" and "found this sh*t myself?"

Gripe number nine is this: Why the actual hell do I always have to fight draugrs if I want to clear out a place? It's always the f*cking draugrs. And who thought it would be a good idea to have draugr deathlords in groups of three, eh? I mean once you're at a high enough level it's not too bad but when you start off you have no idea which crypts have which draugrs!

Dragons have to be the most underwhelming "mini-bosses" I have ever seen. Now, if you are in an open space when a blood dragon swoops down and starts attacking you, you may be a bit f*cked, you know what I'm saying? But when does this ever happen? Almost always, there is a tree, house, or big ass rock for you to maneuver around when you take on a dragon. And if you turn into a werewolf, dragons get wrecked into Oblivion.

DON'T YOU TELL ME TO KILL PAARTHURNAX, YOU OUT-OF-LINE BITCH! The Blades are supposed to be the Dragonborn's servants, so why am I following orders from someone on my kill list, who I can't even KILL, by the way? Why the f*ck does the game require you to kill the character with probably the most background and plot development? Like, f*ck you, you bitch. I do what I want.

Why can't you save the guy being executed at Solitude? I wanted to save him. I ended up with a 12,000 gold bounty, and his head still fell off!

Now this one pisses me off the most, alright. Skyrim's autosave, sucks. It's shit. I can spend an hour working my way across Skyrim and be killed by, say, a triple bear attack, and I have to go back to the same fucking place I was an hour ago! But if I so much as enter into my house, oh, we'd better autosave here. You never know what could happen when you open that door. THE F*CK, SKYRIM!? You fill my save space with opening a bunch of f*cking doors, but I can't trust you to auto save every half hour, or when I discover a new location?

Whatever, I'm done. Stay edgy, and have a nice time.

Edited 2/17/2016 17:37:32
The Martian Ranta: Skyrim.: 2/17/2016 16:28:18

Level 57
There's a solution to all of your problems, my brother. We must elect Ulfric Stormcloak as king of Skyrim.

He'll build a wall on the border with the empire and stop all the illegal immigrants from coming in. When Elves and Khajiit cross through the Empire and enter Skryim, they aren't sending their best and brightest. They're sending thieves and rapists. And what about our jobs? Skryim has no jobs because Cyrodiil has our jobs, and High Rock has our jobs!

Ulfric will finally do what the Empire doesn't have the guts to do, and come down hard on the Aldmeri Dominion. He'll make sure that Skyrim's people are free to worship Talos. He'll make Skyrim great again!

The Martian Ranta: Skyrim.: 2/18/2016 03:35:39

Darth Darth Binks
Level 56
Tough crowd for this topic.
The Martian Ranta: Skyrim.: 2/18/2016 03:43:11

Gen. NumbNuts
Level 48
Well. When in doubt, mod the living shit out of it.
The Martian Ranta: Skyrim.: 2/18/2016 03:46:10

Darth Darth Binks
Level 56
I have. You think you've seen it all until you replace every creature's head with that of Nigel Thornberry.
The Martian Ranta: Skyrim.: 2/18/2016 03:46:42

Level 60
Or Nicholas Cage.
The Martian Ranta: Skyrim.: 2/18/2016 12:57:59

Lolicon love
Level 56
your solution is to play fallout.
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