Why did the cactus cross the road?

It was stuck to the chicken's back.

If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you'll probably have to barium.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?
-an investigator

why did the baby fall over?
BECAUSE I STABBED IT IN THE CHEST

Why can't lolicon make a good cheesy joke?
-Because it hasn't been aged.


<3 Lolicon love :)

Edited 8/13/2015 00:34:31

my friend threw sodium chloride at me today
it was as-salt

i like my girls the way i like my wine
12 years old and locked in the cellar

How did you ever become a zombie?
-I like dead things *wink, wink*

Wine is older than that, generally, if you're keeping it in the cellar. I don't have experience with this, but I'm guessing 25+ years old?

Actually most wine is released within 2 years of creation.

Here's a joke that doesn't need a punch line.

North Korea's nuclear program.

So, there was once a worker bee. This worker bee worked day in and day out. She would fly around to all sorts of flowers with different scents and colors, collecting pollen and drinking nectar. This was her life, after all. As soon as she was big enough to be sent out into the busy and unforgiving world, she found her place in the workforce. "At least I won't be banished like the drones after f*cking the Queen," she thought to herself as she buzzed around all the meadows and gardens she could find. The worker bee knew she had it fairly well.

The worker bee had an affair with a drone, and had ten babies of her own. Luckily for them, the Queen is too busy makin' whoopee with the other drones to notice anything. Those kids are sometimes the only things that gets her through her exhausting day out on the job. Every now and then, she'd save some nectar for her young ones as a treat.

One day, after she comes back to the hive, the Queen announces that they will be holding a party to commemorate all that the bees do for the sake of the hive. Everyone is busy preparing the party; even the worker bees who should be out collecting pollen have been assigned to preparation. The worker bee helps in the kitchen, making honey cookies, pollen treats, and nectar cocktails. After a whole week of getting ready, the party begins.

The worker bee has a great time at the party. She catches up with friends from her childhood; "larvae days are the best days of a bee's life," they always say. The worker bee is flattered by all the admiring faces her fellow beekin wear as they taste some of her creations, and before long, she was feeling a bit hungry herself. She quickly gobbles down a cookie, but suddenly feels a bit parched. She walks around trying to find water, but when she arrives at her destination, there is a long water line. She then opts for a nectar cocktail, but when she finds them, there is a long cocktail line. She then stumbles upon the punch bowl, and there is no punchline.

2 cows were counting mineral water in a lightbulb. Moral : don't break the window if the bike isn't yours

I like my girls like I like my hoovers.

Suck in, blow out, and get laid in the cupboard.

How do you thaw frozen workers?

Fire them!

Two fish get into a tank. One in the drivers seat one on the main gun.

Two soldiers get into tank. They drown.

did you hear paul walker was mad about his hair
they found his head and shoulders in the glove compartment.

did you hear princess diana was on the radio....she was also on the steering wheel, dashboard and windscreen as well.

How can you tell if a horse is sad?
-It'll have a long face

a horse walks into a bar and the barman asks why the long face
the horse answers because my alcoholism is destroying my family