Lord of Turnips
Level 60
Report
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Chocolate biscuit. Chocolate biscuit. And I still remember how I was when first heard those words. How it made me feel. I was 8 years old, it was Christmas, my grandfather just came out with it. Do you want a chocolate biscuit. A chocolate, biscuit. Two things that my eight year old mind were as close to heaven as I could imagine in one. The crunchy oatmeal butteriness of a biscuit actually combined with the creamy sweet yumminess of chocolate. And how did I feel when I first bit into this delicious chocolate digestive, you ask? Well, I felt privileged, I felt renewed, I felt special. And on that day, I knew my life would never be the same again. Well, I didn’t know I had a problem, until a kindly geography master told me what I’m going to tell you now. "Life is more than biscuits!" Certainly it tasted good, of course it hadn’t made me ill, naturally. I thought I could handle it, but let me tell you, I couldn’t. No one can. Many people say, ‘Ah, I’ve had my fill of chocolate biscuits, and I’m fine.’ Well, I’m here to tell you. You're not fine. You’re very far from being fine. Just imagine, for the moment. How different you’re life would been if you hadn’t spent so much of it scoffing down those delicious disks of danger! Now on one hand, chocolate biscuits are a delicious, nutritious snack food. On the other, they are a dangerous parasite gnawing at the very heart, the very fabric of our society. And we know what we do with parasites, don’t we! We cut them out! Now, when dear old Mr. Gregory pointed out the error of my ways, well. I was appalled about what I’d done. What society had allowed me to do. And I tell you this. From that day, no chocolate biscuit has passed my lips. And I'm stronger. Significantly stronger, for it. But I was lucky. I was stopped in time. I was still young. Hard work, extra lessons and double homework, on a few short years I was back on track. It has been estimated that the average 35 year-old has spent 67% of their life eating chocolate biscuits. 67%! And that’s just eating them! Imagine how much time they spent buying the things! Opening the packets! Dunking them! We must crush this problem and crush it now! Do you want to live in a country that lags behind all others, just because we cannot shake off the grip of a crunchy confectionary? Do you think the Germans, or the French, or the Japanese, waste their time biting on bourbons with their beverages? Of course not! Well. I, for one, am going to do something about it. I want - I demand that all production, distribution and consumption of chocolate biscuits ends now. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next month, but now, and forever! My friends, until we face this challenge, and face it together, this country, this nation, will continue to crumble. We will never again be able to call ourselves Great biscuit (sic) - Britain. My friends, it is time for everyone, all of us, to break away from these tempting treats, rise up against them, and in one clear voice, proclaim: Ban the biscuits! Ban the biscuits! BAN THE BISCUITS!
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