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Welcome, welcome. To the second update of this beautiful division of this beautiful league.
Today is the day of poetry in the Netherlands. To celebrate this, let me give you my very own Haiku:

If Ku is your name
And you smoke a lot of drugs
You are a high Ku

You can buy my collection of poetry for a mere lifetime membership. I'm looking at you, Fizzer.
Anyways, a lot is happening this update. None of it important, but a lot nonetheless. The main point is, that Hydra basically goes for a relegation-rush. Stay tuned until the end though: they win a 3v3!
I have two things to say. The first is as follows: I write this intro bit after I write all my commentary on the games. And at first, I felt like I said some mean things and should apologize for that. But frankly, you should all apologize to me for your picks.
With that out of the way, it's time for the second thing: a story.
Once upon a time, a Farah and a Jefferspin joined a league and had to play 2v2's together. We decided to have a little bet over who could boot the most in our games. The loser had to buy the other a pizza. I lost said bet. Obviously, I wanted to buy Jeff a pizza. However, it took me nearly a year to find his address. He didn't want to give it to me, for obvious reasons (i threatened to send him my used masters underwear). Anyways, at some point I got Jeff to a point where he'd go to a Domino's where I ordered a pizza for him. What Jeff doesn't know, is that my roommate paid for it, as he was the only one around with a credit card. I'd like to apologize for this blatant cheating in leagues and I invite the Ethics Panel to look further into this issue.
Now, for the actual update, here she goes. She ain't pretty.

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1v1 Strategic MME

(0-0) Varangian Guard		Cossack Black
(0-0) Brothers In Arms	Martel
(0-0) Blitz			Farah♦		
(0-0) Hydra			Stealth90
(0-0) Discovery		Tizzlin
(0-0) REGL			bruce200		
(0-0) Celtica		RecMart

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1v1 Strategic Greece

(0-0) Varangian Guard		Koso
(0-0) Brothers In Arms	Robert E. Lee
(0-0) Blitz			Banana
(0-0) Hydra			Benjamin628
(0-0) Discovery		Apple
(0-0) REGL			Majekun
(0-0) Celtica		I stabbed the lord and got chat-banned

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1v1 Landria

(0-0) Varangian Guard		Diestramenos
(0-0) Brothers In Arms	Aces and Eights
(0-0) Blitz			Ares
(0-0) Hydra			Blortis
(0-0) Discovery		Israel
(0-0) REGL			The Mezaster
(0-0) Celtica		I stabbed the lord and got chat-banned

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1v1 French Brawl

(1-0) Blitz			Jefferspoon
(0-0) Varangian Guard		dark
(0-0) Brothers In Arms	rlhull6
(0-0) Hydra			Defunked
(0-0) Discovery		Tizzlin
(0-0) REGL			Santa Claus
(0-1) Celtica		RecMart

Jefferspoon (Blitz) defeats RecMart
https://www.warzone.com/MultiPlayer?GameID=20687983
RecMart nonuple-picks the North. And yes, nonuple is a word. It took me a while to find out its ethymology, since it turns out that the common tongue doesn't have any reference over an octuple. So what's the word for this ninefold then? A hint may be found in The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition: 2000. It states the word 'Decuple': Noun: A tenfold amount or number. Since an eightfold and a tenfold have been defined in dictionaries, where is the ninefold? It turns out that mathematicians have thought about this problem, and solved it as well. It's nonuple. Big suprise, but hey. If you don't know, now you know, (word). If anyone wonders what 74 picks in the North would sound like, it'd be a quattuorseptuaguple-pick.
Anyways, nonuple-picking may not be the best strategy. Jeff picks absolutely atrocious, but lands some picks in the North and wins because he has a safe bonus that would be totally unsafe if RecMart's 10th pick would be earlier. Also, RecMart didn't say 'gg' back. The elitist. Then again, Jeff is an arse.

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Edited 1/30/2020 21:20:52

1v1 Biomes of America

(1-0) Discovery		PapaMarsh
(1-0) REGL			Exiltibeter
(1-0) Celtica		RecMart
(0-0) Brothers In Arms	Syed N
(0-1) Varangian Guard		RAS
(0-1) Blitz			Banana
(0-1) Hydra			TheThedde

Exiltibeter (REGL) defeats TheThedde (Hydra)
https://www.warzone.com/MultiPlayer?GameID=20629875
I have to say that TheThedde's picks are better. He shows some clever picks, like a double pick on Greenland And Iceland. And he prioritizes good bonuses. The only thing he doesn't do, is cover various triple picks. Exiltibeter goes for exactly those; a very risky strategy, but if your opponent misses it, you have some good income on the first turns to swing the game in your favour. Now, Exilibeter's sixth pick is bad, but okay. On turn 2, TheThedde realizes that Exilibeter has probably tripled East Coast. He doesn't realize that he can't break it. He invests two into taking Greenland And Iceland, but forgets to take the bonus. On the next turn, he also forgets to take it. He can't expand and gets eliminated near East Coast and it's game over. (He did finally take Greenland And Iceland on turn 4 though)

RecMart (Celtica) defeats RAS (Varangian Guard)
https://www.warzone.com/MultiPlayer?GameID=20629876
So RecMart quadruple picks around Pampas and Southern Andes in the South. He continues with a triple pick in Gulf of Mexica (although in the wrong order, if he gets his 5th pick he loses two income). RAS picks the two available red bonuses first, which is often good, but not when Pampas is an ftb. He picks Pampas as 3/4 but completely misses out on it due to RecMart's quadpick there. RecMart gets 8 income after the first turn, while RAS only gets 3. They meet in two spots, so RecMart takes advantage of his superior income and wipes the floor with RAS.

PapaMarsh (Discovery) defeats Banana (Blitz)
After the obvious picks, Banana focuses on the Islands picks, while PapaMarsh goes for an Arid Grassland combo. He also goes for a pick to directly get to East Coast, a red bonus. On turn 1, both players split Sao Paolo and Ryiro. They both smash the territory the other wants to go to, but because of the move order PapaMarsh gets it. This results in Papa getting one more income than Banana instead of the other way around. Banana equalizes it next turn, but gives PapaMarsh a double border on Southern Great Plains. The next turn, PapaMarsh eliminates Banana from the red bonus and the game starts to open up for him. He completes both red bonuses next turn while Banana breaks his Arid Grassland bonus. This, however, has a negative impact on Banana. He ends up with 4 income, against PapaMarsh's 10. Banana keeps trying but there's no coming back from that.

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1v1 Battle Islands V

(2-0) Blitz			Jefferspoon
(1-0) Brothers In Arms	tartan1314
(1-1) Hydra			Sebus Maximus
(0-0) Varangian Guard		MadShrimp
(0-1) REGL			Alex Trevell
(0-1) Discovery		Israel
(0-1) Celtica		I stabbed the lord and got chat-banned

tartan1314 (BIA) defeats Sebus Maximus (Hydra)
https://www.warzone.com/MultiPlayer?GameID=20621951
Tartab spots a first turn bonus in Mordan and goes for the double pick there. After that, he picks three more efficient 3-bonuses and a weird 6th pick in Azathia. Good picks overall, getting coverage and potentially an ftb. Sebus Maximus seems to have another way of approaching the board. He picks a combo on an inefficient 3-bonus instead of the ftb. He then picks his third pick next to his combo, guaranteeing he can never expand. His 4/5/6 are in the South, but there's no chance of getting them, so yeah. Game over. I mean, it takes a while until Sebus Maximus runs out of places to expand, but in the meantime, tartan is expanding like a madman in all different kinds of bonuses. This leads to him having the income disadvantage for a single turn, but he wins after that so yeah.. Don't triple pick in the North when that part is completely closed off and the rest of the map is open. Longterm it's just a bad idea.

Jefferspoon (Blitz) defeats Alex Trevell (REGL)
https://www.warzone.com/MultiPlayer?GameID=20621952
This board features a wastelanded, quadpick first turn 5-bonus and nobody goes for it. Shame on you. However, both players go for a 4-bonus with a combo. Both with another combo, though. Alex Trevell ends up with two territories there, and Jeff with one; Alex Trevell is at a slight disadvantage there. Jeff gets two picks in the west, guaranteeing him some safe income. Alex' other pick is to the East of that, but he will be at an income disadvantage when Jeff completes his bonuses. When the two meet, Jeff slowly finishes his income and keeps the pressure on the contested 4-bonus. When Jeff eliminates Alex from Liconia, his income is completely safe and Alex surrenders. Unfortunately, this is the one time i can't say Jeff played atrocious.

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2v2 Volcano Islands

(0-0) Varangian Guard		tullalah + roan
(0-0) Brothers In Arms	Piper + SevenEleven
(0-0) Blitz			MoneyMakingMitch + allusernamesaretaken12
(0-0) Hydra			♥HankyPinky + Rex Paul of Lizardino
(0-0) Discovery		MrTrolldemort + Penguinos
(0-0) REGL			NecessaryEagle + The Mezaster
(0-0) Celtica		Scoober + Padre

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2v2 Szeurope

(1-0) REGL			Exiltibeter + Santa Claus
(0-0) Varangian Guard		General Electric + MadShrimp
(0-0) Brothers In Arms	Botanator + Chackyjo
(0-0) Blitz			Ares + allusernamesaretaken12
(0-0) Discovery		MrTrolldermort + Tizzlin
(0-0) Celtica		Z + Padre
(0-1) Hydra			Stealth90 + Sebus Maximus

REGL defeats Hydra
https://www.warzone.com/MultiPlayer?GameID=20574687
Hydra gets most of the Islands, but they give up a good combo in Russia. They also give REGL a first turn bonus in Austria and in Denmark. Sebus Maximus gets the FTB in Benelux, but Santa Claus is present in Austria. The North Pole was not a pick, so that happens. Hydra can also not contest Western Balkans. The first few turns are pretty even, but we see the first three threats on turn 4. Hydra is pressuring Austria, REGL is pressuring Benelux and there is now a standoff in Denmark/Norway. Hydra loses Benelux and REGL is able to keep everything. But, Hydra completes Ireland in the meantime, so the incomes stay equal. Now comes the fun move in the game. REGL has a stack of 4 in Benelux. Hydra wants it back, so they attack it. Unfortunately, an attack of 4 armies does not kill a stack of 4. It's especially funny, since deployed enough to kill the stack of 4, but just decided to not do it. Instead taking Eastern France with 2. A questionable move at best. REGL is pressuring Finland already and gives up Denmark cause it's useless anyways. A good predict gets rid of every Hydra territory in the center and the game is basically over at this point. Hydra realizes this after only 9 turns and surrenders.

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2v2 Strategic MME

(2-0) Brothers In Arms	Botanator + Smokedpears
(1-0) Celtica		Padre + Tadashi
(0-0) Varangian Guard		roan + Cossack Black
(0-0) Blitz			Pip + Farah♦
(0-0) Discovery		Nicforth + Profound Noob
(0-1) REGL			bruce200 + Alex Trevell
(0-2) Hydra			TheThede + Defunked

Celtica defeats Hydra
https://www.warzone.com/MultiPlayer?GameID=20547345
The game ends by forfeit, as Defunked turned out to be on multiple rosters. Free points, everyone!

BIA defeats Hydra
https://www.warzone.com/MultiPlayer?GameID=20621909
This game also ends by forfeit, for the same reason. More free points! I think we can all agree that this is rigging by the CL Panel, the Ethics Panel, the Template Panel and the Audit Panel. And any future panel, as we can't have a season of Clan League where not every player is on a panel. Some panelists aren't even playing; imagine the possibilities!

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3v3 Deadman's Rise of Rome

(0-0) Varangian Guard		Cipollino + dark + Roger Sandell
(0-0) Brothers In Arms	Bigby + Smokedpears + tartan1314
(0-0) Blitz			Ares + Banana + allusernamesaretaken12
(0-0) Hydra			Doc + Hranolk
(0-0) Discovery		Denriev + Banjo + Profound Noob
(0-0) REGL			majokun + Santa Claus + NecessaryEagle
(0-0) Celtica		Scoober + Tadashi + Z

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3v3 Biomes of America

(1-0) Varangian Guard		RAS + koso + Diestramenos
(1-0) Hydra			Benjamin628 + Blortis + TheThedde
(0-0) Brothers In Arms	Piper + rlhull6 + Chackyjo
(0-0) Blitz			Pip + Farah♦ + MoneyMakingMitch
(0-0) Discovery		Nicforth + PapaMarsh + Penguinos
(0-1) REGL			Alex Trevell + Exilitibeter + The Mezaster
(0-1) Celtica		Scoober + Tadashi + Z

Hydra defeats REGL
https://www.warzone.com/MultiPlayer?GameID=20490100
Let's start with basic strategy, as it seems to be needed. On Biomes 3v3 you want to pick good bonuses early and bad bonuses later. Or combos on bad bonuses that are good if you complete them. You also want to make sure you make enough picks. 8 picks (Alex Trevell) and 7 picks (The Mezaster) is not enough. Then, another point of critique. If you start with a combo in two rainforest bonuses, there's exactly one thing you don't want to do. And that is to take a territory in both. Looking at you, Mezaster. So, let's see how the actual game goes. Hydra starts off with the income disadvantage, but capitalizes on their better position. They're able to get the income advantage after two turns and refuse to give it up. They could've gotten it turn 1, but TheThedde decides to not move in his bonuses that give him negative income. On turn 3, The Mezaster shows no intention of wanting to get rid of his negative income in his rainforest bonuses, so Hydra just kind of leave him there. The rest of the game is just Hydra traveling the map, annoying the REGL team into a much needed surrender.

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This week's summary looks as follows:

• Brothers In Arms has a good week, winning a 1v1 and a 2v2. Nothing else happens, hence their 7 points net win this update.
  
  
• Celtica has a good week as week as well. The lose a 1v1, but make up for it by winning a 1v1 and a 2v2. They net 4 points this update
  
  
• Blitz wins 2 1v1's but loses one as well. Let's just hope they perform well in teamgames. History shows they do! They have a 3 point positive net worth this update.
  
  
• Discovery wins a 1v1. They get 3 points for it. I ran out of things to say.
  
  
• REGL gets a slight negative week. They win a 1v1 and a 2v2, but lose a 1v1 and a 3v3. A result of -1 point. I mean, not the greatest, but you could be Hydra.
  
  
• Farahngian Guard loses a 1v1 and nets -3 points. This is what happens if you refuse to change your name to a good suggestion. And until you change, you're gonna be my little tricks this season.
  
  
• Hydra has a great week. They lose 2 2v2's due to forfeits which nets them -8 points. They're not done there yet: they also lose one more 2v2 and 2 1v1's. At least they win a 3v3. They get a grand -13 this week. Even without the forfeits, they performed the worst by far this week. Congrats on the 3v3 tho. Loveyouguys.
  

Hydra will prevail! Or at least... you know... come back... :D

im too lazy to read this all, can anyone say whos leading and whos not? :)

Blitz and BIA are leading, the rest of the clans have a negative record

What's a little trick?

Farah, I prefer to say it BIA and blitz are leading.:-P

haha thanks Farah♦

What's a little trick?

A nice way of saying 'Bottom Bitch'

Farah, how about another one of those kick ass updates?

Yeah Farah, how about it.

Haven't only like 3 games finished since then? Wouldn't be as good as an update

Nah, Tartan has won at least 2 since the last update alone.

wait, actually, I just looked lol and TEN games have finished! :D

Even HankyPinky has won a game since the last update.

Impossible!

Who is HankyPinky, I only know ❤HankyPinky.

why did you make the heart white... not red?

It's red on my screen.